“If we don’t have clarity about our own values, it’s very easy to say ‘yes’ to all or many of those things and not have the decisions we make and the experiences we create really be driven by what’s most important to us,” says Macphee.
And therein lies the danger: If you’re not living in alignment with your own values, you’re likely living in alignment with someone else’s.
How to Define Your Personal Values
If you think about it long enough, you’ll uncover a range of values that matter to you. Some were instilled in childhood; others emerged as you moved through life. The issue is that if you don’t reflect on or hold yourself accountable to them, they’re just a pleasant story you tell yourself. “The real strength comes from clarity about our values and the ability to articulate them,” says Macphee. “Once you have that awareness, it starts shaping the way you think.”
In Living a Values-Based Life, Macphee outlines an approach to create that awareness. It’s helpful for refining your existing principles or building new ones from scratch.
Here’s how it works. Divide your values into two categories: Priorities and Ways of Being. The former are nouns—the things that are most important to you: health, relationships, family, career success. The latter are adjectives that describe how you want to show up in the world: kind, courageous, loyal.
To populate the lists, ask yourself questions. What matters most to you? What activities? What people? What organizations? How do you want to be remembered? How do you want people to think of you? Who do you respect most, and why? When was the last time you felt at peace? Think of the values the answers reflect. Write them all down.
Now, whittle each list down to no more than five values. Interrogate your choices. Refine them. Refine them again. This is where the specificity comes from. Ask yourself: Why this particular value? Is this the right word, or is there another one to better describe it? Do my lists reflect my intentions?
Take it seriously, and you’ll create two lists of values that speak to and probably surprise you. In his decades of doing values work, Macphee says a person’s initial answers rarely end up on their final list.
Once satisfied with your values, make the lists visible. Write them in your notes app. Scribble them on a Post-it and stick it to your desk. Set a calendar notification so they pop up on your phone daily. “You want them to be a part of your world,” says Macphee. “That’s how they become a part of you.”
Making Your Values Stick
The goal in all this is to know your values so thoroughly that you instinctively think about how your actions dovetail with them.
To arrive there, you need a way to track your progress. You could borrow from the corporate world and establish a key performance indicator (KPI) system to track and grade outcomes. You could set bi-weekly check-ins to reflect on whether the decisions you made line up with the values you listed.
“Evaluating and reflecting on whether your actions align with your values is a way to gain clarity as to whether you actually hold them,” says Dr. Kahane. “Sometimes our actions speak louder than our words.”
Macphee opts for a system he calls the 4As: Assessment, Area, Action, and Accountability. Look at each value and assess how you’re living up to it. Be honest. Give yourself a rating out of five for each value. Then, pick a single area where you’d like to improve. Next, choose specific action to make that improvement—ideally something small and achievable so you can build momentum. Lastly, ask someone you trust and respect to hold you accountable to your goals. Have them check in with you at a scheduled time to make sure you’re doing the work.
The process takes time. But with consistency, you’ll begin to make little adjustments that steer you towards the things that truly matter to you. That, says Macphee, “Is life-changing. It literally is.” Amidst whatever upheaval awaits us in America, the least we can do is shore up our own commitments.
